if this is how it stays, i don't want to.

One of few times my heart really aches is when I see elderly people carrying their own groceries from the store, onto public transit, back to their apartment/retirement building alone. I am thankful to know somewhere inside me is someone compassionate enough to feel and desire the dignity I barely salvage myself today. I struggle when I discover 'a lack of dignity' is often found amongst pity rather than an appreciation for natural aging, independence and wisdom. I may be a perpetual stigma taught only to see the negativity of what I do not personally embody. My sympathy stems further sometimes: I remember passing a woman in the afternoon with two of my closest friends. The sun was out, patios were open and the streets were noisy with laughter; real engagement of all those who passed by in conversing groups. She sat on a corner beyond the sidewalk near some bushes you could see through. I noticed as everyone made their way past where she and her plastic black garbage bag sat that no one else glanced in her direction. She did not avert her gaze from straight ahead despite the fact it did not seem like she was staring at anything in particular. Her hair was stringy, her skin was burned brown and her eyes remained as vacant as the target they fired towards. I proceeded and said nothing. How does someone any age, let alone the half way mark, find themselves so disconnected and different from the rest of the world if I may be so ignorant as to call it that? How can someone lose their home, personal hygiene, role and support system as to be left on a corner beyond the sidewalk near some bushes you could see but are not likely to look through? I do not believe it is a choice but I understand there are many people who will dispute this. The sun is out and I get sad that she might get sad over the beautiful weather which often puts pressure on one to be joyous, which makes those who are not, lonely enough to die. Maybe she is experiencing a reality of complete liberation but we must all, in some sense, long for relation above all else? Maybe she is experiencing such a magnitude of relation within herself. Maybe it happens to be more than enough, more than we ourselves will ever gain. But maybe instead, a fear of god and an infuriating sense of survival are the causes of voices in her head screaming, "why am I still here? Why have You not let me die? Why have You not killed me yet?"

i'm not in it for the long haul





god's will

caught in a downpour
so you can't tell the difference
a second warning
could be a blessing
when there are none
if i'm trapped
there's no burden of decision
yeah, they could be right
maybe i don't listen
too soft for travels
too wild for commitment
too misunderstood
to belong
too jaded to care
there's always room for dissatisfaction
i'm not the star
they said i'd be
in the middle of the universe
coming down
saturated on top of me
i got that attitude
snark
tone
& expression
every one of 'em gets me in trouble
i must like it
to chase is to catch
bad spoils
rotten batch
you know, you don't know me
wish i could
forget what's happened to me
the little victim
in the rape & murder trilogy
made for your entertainment
i
retain
absolutely
no
identity
so
call me jane doe
i'm not your friend
a stapled foe
the chronic scapegoat
ready for slaughter
at the hands of defeat
another piece of dispensable meat
wish i was born
as an equal human being
rather than be subject to speciesism
but i remain
lesser than a stranger
call it compulsion
or claim internal anger
fact is
without reason
there is danger
...i live in fear

gravol

dreams & hallucinations
the stepping stones of reality
i must be dreaming
this can't be happening
oh, 'spose it really is
my life
my leg jerks from the bottomless falls
which startle me
my soul aches from the sight of ghosts
who follow me
now, don't you dare
don't you dare forget about me
but they're just figments
like sleeping hearts
averted gazes
he said she said mentalities
& self-fulfilling prophecies
but i swore that i was real
that this life counted for something beyond
self-talk & affirmations
to create a different realm of truth
bound to destruction
sabotage
& loathing
because i have a cynical mind
am alone all the time
& haven't got a clue
how rarely people really think about you
now, please be nice
please be nice when you talk about me
i'm made of sensitivity
i may make it easy
but easy & good
never work in tandem
because nothing ever is
how it should be
& i never am
who i could be
figments
figments
figments